When I was young, women were often told if they want to get ahead they need to act like men. Is this still true? Was it ever true? And what the heck does “acting like a man” really mean?

First of all, I think we all need to be ourselves more than ever. But business can be slow to catch up with the real world. And, as a result, they help perpetuate a model of an unreal world that actually doesn’t serve anyone well — least of all the business. IMHO.

“Pleasantly aggressive.” Eye of the beholder?

As I was finishing grad school many moons ago, I interviewed with an SVP of a major bank. He called me “pleasantly aggressive.” And they made an offer that I accepted. I remember that vividly because much of the time that’s worked pretty well for me.

Although, when pushed up against a wall, I’ve also found that strong direct confrontation with no sign of give, while leaving room for the person to emerge with their dignity, works well too. My way of shooting a moose — but still letting it live.

Is this manlike or womanlike? [Read more…]

This really is about your career goals — and career change. But first a slight detour to one of my favorite films, What About Bob?

It’s a Bill Murray comedy that uses the idea of taking small steps to help create change. In the film, the therapist,  Dr. Leo Marvin (played by Richard Dreyfuss), writes a “groundbreaking” book called “Baby Steps”. While the laughs and sweetness of this film are only enhanced by the questionable real-life skills of Dr. Marvin, his book turns out to be a wonderful revelation for us all.

Basically, it tells us not to let the immensity of a situation overwhelm us. Often, just thinking about goals that seem too big stops us in our tracks. But the book suggests we can get past any physical or (often more daunting) mental roadblocks by breaking down what feels BIG into smaller, manageable steps — baby steps.

Using baby steps, Bob manages to experience a lot of new things. (I won’t spoil it for you if you haven’t seen it.) And in career goals too, baby steps can play a major role. Maybe even bridging the difference between a life of “I could have” vs a life of “I did it!”

Tackling your career goals the baby step way

[Read more…]

If you’re looking for some words to motivate yourself, retired CEO Doug Conant has some great ones that can help motivate anyone. Words he clearly lives by.

I was reading an interview Conant, former CEO of Campbell Soup, once gave to my alumni magazine. After working at Kraft, General Mills and Nabisco, he took on the enormous challenge of shaking things up at Campbell, which was declining in both stature and performance. Conant helped turn the company around.

Even though Campbell had household-name products, when Doug arrived sales had plateaued, and there was no exciting vision to bring the company into the future – or even the present. (You can just imagine how the employees felt!)

But with his help, there was that and much more. It’s an impressive story about the difference truly good leadership skills can make to a company’s success. And it’s a story I think any of us can learn from.

And now we get to his advice

In the interview, Doug was asked what career advice he’d offer recent graduates just starting out. But I think this is great advice for anyone who works for a living, at any point in our careers. [Read more…]

Action. Taking real action. It’s the one thing we have control of during tough times. And by moving forward and learning new skills — or whatever else might open up new doors for yourself — you are choosing to let yourself hope.

You are also providing a practical (and hopefully engaging) diversion that will aim your thoughts in a more positive and useful direction. Tough times let our minds wander. And dwell on things like past failures or the vast, oh-so-scary unknown.

Not only wasted effort, but this can lead to reinforcing and adding to the darkest parts. And by giving starring roles to fear and dread, you wind up underplaying all that you still do have and can rely upon.

So why choose learning new skills in tough times?

[Read more…]

I think everyone has had first-hand experience with fear of failure, at one point in their life or another. Lord knows I face it every time I sit down with a blank page.  But there’s a less obvious fear that’s even scarier and more potentially damaging to your career — it’s the fear of success.

I once took a Learning Annex class led by a psychic healer.  Although I was skeptical about it, I was also curious. So I went. I wanted to ask about my tendinitis, which at the time was quite severe. Severe enough that I had to limit my writing, as well as some computer-related things I did for my job.

What the psychic said

Putting my skepticism aside, when I got my chance for a personal consultation, the healer looked at me and said “You have a fear of success.” I smiled politely, clearly still not a believer. And then I said something about also having a fear of failure.

Interestingly, he shook his head and said with conviction that my fear of success is much stronger. And it’s the main thing holding me back from what I need to accomplish. I have to admit this caught me off guard. Kind of mind-blowing. Could he be right?

So I took some time afterward to think about what he said and go back over my life. Times when I was at a jumping-off point and pulled back. Times when I was given an opportunity to do something really big and talked myself out of it.

Turns out there were quite a few of those. This really opened my eyes to the role I was playing in creating life limits for myself. But, in my own defense, your honor, I’ve also taken many leaps of faith throughout my life that turned out well worth the risk. Like deciding to do this newfangled thing almost 15 years ago called blogging!

One of my own fear of success stories

A few years ago, I was contacted by the head of a company about the possibility of writing articles for them. Similar to what I do now. But there was also potential to be part of an expansive distribution network.Meaning I would get read by — and hopefully help — many more people.

After a little research, I found that this company was legit and had a good reputation. And, of course, I was flattered. It’s great to be wanted — and to have my writing complimented. To be honest, I pretty much had a Sally Field “You like me” moment there.

And for a few days, I let myself dream. And feel the excitement. It was wonderful to contemplate this new path for myself. I was enjoying getting lost in the possibilities — and other doors this might open.

And then something happened

Instead of just savoring the moment and moving along step by step to let things progress organically (my favorite way), I started thinking about what could happen if things went really well.

And suddenly, I began to worry about what it would really mean for my life. Would the new demands of me be ones I’d enjoy? How would my life change?  Could I handle all this? Did I even want to?

All valid questions. But in truth, what really happened, I think, is I got scared of what success might mean. And I started thinking about everything. What I was committing to. And how well did I even know the company or the person who contacted me?

And … boom! I was no longer in the moment. Instead, I was looking at all the potential negatives and letting myself get caught up in them. It’s funny how big our mind can make something once we zero in on it. Well, maybe not so funny after all.

Don’t ever do this … really

And it was at that opportune moment I decided ths would be a good time to email the person and let him know some things I think would help his company?” That’s right., I wanted to tell this successful businessman who I had just met how to improve his business. One I hardly knew anything about. After he had offered me an opportunity.

Now mind you … he was totally open to me sharing my ideas and asked me to do so. But I knew enough to understand you don’t dump every negative on someone you hardly know. And when I look back at the know-it-all tone of my original email and what I said to him … well, I am sure there was something else going on there for me.

After all, as part of my consulting work, I often advise clients on how to approach things — even the stickiest of situations. There have been many times when I’ve helped clients reword yet-unsent emails written in a hasty moment of anger or frustration.

And I assure you I have never ever told even one of my clients to seize the moment and dash off an email whose tone is fairly critical to a potential partner. Never. And I can also assure you, while my contact remained cordial and business-like, I could tell by his own tone I had crossed a line.

So what did I learn about (and from) fear of success?—

• It’s darn easy to undermine your own success.
• Exciting dreams can be really really scary.
• We can rationalize anything to protect ourselves.
• You can find a dozen things wrong with something if you want to.
• Even if we aren’t aware. deep fears can rise up to try to stop us.
  

ONE MORE LESSON:  Email is forever and tone matters. OK. This one I already knew. But it was indelibly reinforced in my head as I reread my original email. Did I really say THAT? Yes … I did.

What to do if your fear of success shoots you in the foot

Well, short of major psychotherapy (does anyone have a spare couch?), I think the best thing to do is to be bluntly honest with yourself. Writing about it is a good start. Try to recover as best you can. And, if not, just move on having learned a valuable lesson.

We all have our moments of fear.

It’s how we handle them that matters.

If at all possible, I think it’s important to find a way to push through and experience some of that not-so-scary-after-all success as soon as you can. Once you’ve gone there, and the new neural pathways have been created, it’s probably easier to push through the resistance next time. Or so I hope.

Have you ever had an experience like this? Do you fear success at some level? Of course this also raises the whole meaty question of just what the heck success is. Thoughts welcome.

Much more than transferring to a similar job in a new company or industry, or moving laterally into a different work function within a field we already know well, a true change of direction is always terrifying.

from Working Identity by Herminia Ibarra

[Article updated in 2020]

About the author…

Ronnie Ann, founder of Work To the Wise and Work Coach Cafe, bases her real-world advice on her many years as an organizational consultant where she helped interview and hire people, added to a certificate from NYU in Career Planning & Development, as well as her many adventures as a serial job seeker.

More posts to help

5 Workplace Fears That Limit Your Success

Emotional Boxes: Stuffing Your Feelings at Work

How To Deal With Disaster Thinking in the Workplace

Do You Feel Invisible at Work?

 

What To Do If Your Job Makes You Miserable

Career Success? All I Do Is Work!

Are You Tired of Being Judged By Your Job?

Afraid To Take Promotion You Were Offered?

 

Why Are You So Afraid To Ask for a Raise?

The Non-Linear Path to Happiness at Work

What If You Never Find Your Dream Job?

7 Reasons We Stay In Bad Jobs

⇒  EXTRA:  Want To Career Coach Yourself? How To Get You Started

Do you let failures stop you — or even slow you down? You’re definitely not alone. So many times we let something we failed at keep us from trying again. Or even thinking along the same lines.

Someone I’ll call Theresa thinks of herself as a failure. Yet to me she’s successful in so many ways – career and otherwise. She lives her life based on her own thoughtful and caring values. During her career, she’s worked on issues she cares deeply about. And she always gives of herself as fully as possible. Especially when it comes to helping others.

Ah those pictures we hold in our heads

As I said, Theresa has a very different picture of herself. Because of all the things she hasn’t accomplished in her career. All those things that she feels she could have done better. And all the times she stopped when maybe she “should” have gone on. Because of all that as well as talents she has that she feels she hasn’t fully utilized, she sees herself, at least on some level, as a failure. [Read more…]

Hardly anyone finds their dream job on day one of his or her career. Often it takes many jobs to get to where we really want to go — that oh so elusive goal of happiness at work. Not every job feels like it fits. In fact, some jobs don’t feel like they could ever fit anyone we know! But that doesn’t mean we aren’t getting something from a non-dream job – in addition to a paycheck, of course.

On that thought, I once wrote about Fatima the Spinner on another blog. Fatima spent many years railing against the seemingly heartless universe for all the disasters she had to face and all the different non-dream jobs she had to learn how to do. And she learned them well. But where was HER dream career?

Sounds like a great story for Work To The Wise! 🙂

My own quest for the elusive from that other post:

My life has been like Fatima’s in many ways. She goes from land to land and job to job (in essence) always wondering why she must move on, why she hasn’t found the one place she truly belongs yet. Each time she learns a new skill, but always something happens that causes her to move on. [Read more…]

Wondering how you can put emotional intelligence to work for you? It’s  a phrase we hear thrown around a lot. But what is it? And why should we care?

I first heard the term emotional intelligence linked to work in a coaching class. The teacher assigned us Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Quite honestly, I thought it sounded like so many other “I have the answer for you” type books – none of which ever seem to really have THE answer.

Emotional intelligence in the workplace?

It seemed like an oxymoron to me – especially considering the workplaces I had seen! What exactly did the academic-sounding phrase emotional intelligence have to do with the very real world of work?

But as I began reading, I realized Goleman was talking about mostly common sense ideas — something we need a lot more of at work. Basically, emotional intelligence is about understanding our emotions (and emotions of those around us). And learning to manage the way we handle them, in the workplace as well as in the rest of our lives.

So why does emotional intelligence at work matter? [Read more…]

“Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Don’t give advice. Don’t take advice.” Plus, a dash of accidental success. Along with her usual funny take on life, those words are part of what Ellen Degeneres once told Tulane graduates in a commencement address.

And it’s just as inspirational now as then. And maybe even more needed.

Of course, Ellen proceeds to give the graduates her own unique melange of career advice. And she lets us in on some of the things she went through to get where she is. Not an easy journey. Nor one without twists, turns, and obstacles.

Ellen’s accidental success story

[Read more…]

Why do so many of us stay in bad jobs, long after the job’s expiration date? Sometimes it simply takes a while for us to realize it’s a bad job. Especially if you’re new to the work world. Or you’re hoping the job offers more pros than cons in time.

But sometimes there are other things going on inside of us. Fear plays a big role. And the way we see ourselves in general. So let’s take a look at some of the things stopping us from leaving — and what we can do to help ourselves move on.

Reasons we stay in bad jobs:

[Read more…]

If you just got a poor performance review, I feel for you. I know that it’s easy to let that get you down. But whether or not you agree with what you just heard, this is not a time to retreat into hiding. Bad reviews can happen even to the best of us. And you might even find something personally useful as a result.

Unless it’s clear there is no chance of recovery, the best thing you can do after a bad review is to dust yourself off. And commit to start fresh, with a renewed determination to show your current boss that you do have what it takes to succeed. If it works, great. If not, you can use the time to figure out, and lay the groundwork for, some possible next moves.

NOTE: Even if you eventually wind up leaving anyway, just know there’s always a place where we can shine. Please believe that. Meanwhile, it pays to do our best in any circumstance, since that shapes who we are now and into the future. And how we feel about ourselves.

What to do DURING the poor performance review

[Read more…]

If you’re reading this, odds are you have one of those jobs with no future. Or perhaps you know someone who feels like their job has no future. Unfortunately there are far too many of us that feel that way — and way too many jobs that really do cut off professional growth.

So what can you do if you’re trapped in what feels like a no-win job situation? Well, first let’s take a deeper look at what’s really going on.

Why no promotion or raises?

[Read more…]

Lately I’ve been thinking about just how much of our lives we spend trying to impress someone else — even if we don’t admit it to ourselves. Trying to impress your boss. Your family. Friends. Even total strangers on social media.

So where are YOU in this picture? Is getting the approval of others enough to satisfy your core needs? And if your answer is “yes”, how long do you think that will feel ok? When does approval seeking get in the way of you finding out who you really are?

We begin by trying to impress our parents

[Read more…]

I was speaking with a coaching client who was feeling beaten down by recent job experiences. Having lost her last job, she wasn’t sure how to face a new opportunity to fail again, as she saw it.  So I asked her “What makes you feel fierce?”

Fierce? At work? In interviews? Aren’t we supposed to be the opposite of that? After all, if we aren’t likeable, who wants to work with us? Good questions. Likability certainly is a key asset. But that does not mean being a doormat — or walking around feeling like a deflated balloon.

So what do I mean by “feel fierce”?

[Read more…]

Are you afraid to take that promotion you were offered? If so, you are not alone. While most people dream about being offered a promotion, when it actually happens it can feel scary. “What if I don’t have what it takes?”

As things are now, you’re getting praise for your work. And you know you can do the job. But if you move up to a new job with more responsibility and maybe even employees to manage, you’ll have to prove yourself all over again!

Why people are afraid to take a promotion

[Read more…]