Are you finding more and more things at work that just plain make you feel like screaming? Maybe you’re forced to do things you hate, while it seems everyone else gets the juiciest assignments. Even worse, when you’re feeling angry at work, all the normally annoying things feel even bigger.
Now it feels like your workload is ten times bigger than everyone else’s. And your paycheck ten times smaller! And what about that one co-worker (you know who he is) getting all the applause while you do all the backbreaking work? Why doesn’t anyone see just how much you’re doing!
The fuzzy end of the work lollipop
To paraphrase Sugar, the Marilyn Monroe character in Some Like It Hot, you always seem to get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. While other people in your office get to actually enjoy what they do, all you get is more and more fed up. That’s enough to keep anyone feeling angry at work.
Especially when you think about co-workers who have somehow found ways to get involved in things that YOU are interested in. Or who simply seem to have more fun on a daily basis. Is it just that the person is luckier than you? What do they have that you don’t?
Some “secrets” about luckier people
Well, there’s no reason that lucky person can’t be you. I’m sure you have many of the skills that can get you ahead. But when it comes to work, attitudes and perspectives play a huge role in shaping your experience.
And the good news is people can reshape attitudes and perspective. Sometimes just a small well-targeted shift can make a big difference when feeling angry at work. It may take time & practice. But starting today you can commit to creating a better environment for yourself — right where you are.
And, as much as you may be thinking “man, this is crap”, you really can open the door to a life that more often than not gives you the shinier side of the lollipop. Even away from work. I’ve seen it happen. And I’ve worked the same magic for myself. Though I admit it doesn’t happen overnight.
What goes on when feeling angry at work
Sometimes when a job isn’t working for us, for whatever reasons, the little things start to drive us nuts. And then the bigger things start to loom way out of proportion. Not surprisingly, we begin to feel angry. That’s pretty normal for any human being.
And we all know that there are lots of legitimately upsetting things in the workplace. Whether it’s impossible deadlines, Energizer-bunny bosses, demanding customers, or simply nasty, know-it-all co-workers.
But if you feel angry day-in and day-out, odds are there is something more to the picture than just the little annoyances. As adults, we learn to deal with irksome things on a regular basis. But there has to be some balance. When things get out of balance, Mount Vesuvius can erupt!
It starts to build if we don’t take action
Things like being overlooked for a promotion or not feeling appreciated can start our anger meters running. But there are many other things that can generate intense emotion at work. Things like hurt feelings, budget cuts, eager-beaver co-workers, a new boss, feeling incompetent and yet being expected to perform, being treated unfairly, etc.
And sometimes it’s nothing specific. Just a vague sense of dissatisfaction that grows inside without any hope of release. We often begin to feel trapped by the circumstances of our jobs. And like a child trying to make sense of the world, we want to cry out in frustration because everything feels out of control.
And that’s a problem because most of us live under the assumption that we CAN control things, and we spend our days engaged in elaborate non-productive behaviors that try to do just that. In fact, many times it’s those very behaviors that drive those around us nuts. The truth is: There’s no way to control all the circumstances around us. Ever.
Furthermore, it does absolutely no good to rant and rave about what we can’t control. Anger doesn’t help. In fact, it only adds to our misery because while we’re being angry, we aren’t doing anything to help ourselves. And that last part is the key!
More about handling that anger
Of course, you don’t need to shove all that anger deep within and pretend all is ok. Rant and rave if you want. Just not at a boss or coworker. Wait until you’re alone or with a trusted friend. Or a trusted therapist. Or even go play Whack-a-Mole to work off some steam safely.
But also, please know that anger is a sign something is wrong and needs attention. You can only ignore it so long. And the sooner you pay attention, the sooner you can start to find some solutions that at least help lessen the anger.
Remember that you always have two basic choices when it comes to anger:
- Hold on to the anger for all it’s worth, wearing it like a bright red coat of armor.
- Use that same energy to do something that actually makes things better for you.
So what’s your role in all this?
That’s not about placing blame. As I said, I’ve been in this position myself. More than once. And when I was there, it felt absolutely clear to me that it wasn’t about anything I was especially doing wrong. And it wasn’t — well, not exactly.
It was often about what else I could have been doing to make my own life at work happier. Anger doesn’t exist outside of you. It’s something that is manufactured inside you. It is a feeling created by you. And as the intensity of anger grows (triggered by real events) the intensity you feel is no longer all about them. At least not usually.
The good news is you also have the ability to learn to manage it. It may take time, but this is one choice you can make for yourself. Therapy and sites like this one can assist in the process. But you are still the only one who can choose to make things better for yourself. Even if that eventually means leaving.
Are you ready to choose less anger?
Once you make that choice, things can begin to turn around. Even if not all at once. It begins with starting to catch yourself when you feel your anger rising. Do you feed the anger by thinking of more and more things that aren’t going your way?
Or do you instead stop for a moment and notice your thoughts. And then you take a few deep breaths — just to stop the adrenaline that takes things out of your head and into your body. The best defense against anger is to take control of the one thing you can control for sure: yourself!
Toadying Tad, the boss’s nephew, may always earn more than you. And there will always be promotions or raises that don’t come quickly enough. But you can begin to understand why you react the way you do. And then find ways not only to check in with your rising emotions, but also to change the way you perceive your job and yourself at work. Those things show.
Our greatest ally is self-awareness. And a belief in ourselves. Just knowing that we do have power to change things — even one small step at a time — can already start to make things feel better inside. While there are no quick answers, at least let yourself believe there is a way out of the endless anger cycle — and if you need some help getting there it’s well worth it!
For now, just try catching yourself as the anger rises. And replace that wasted energy with a plan to get yourself some assignments you do want. Or, if where you are is the source of your anger and nothing significant can change, then it may be time to think about a better job. Positive action helps. And feeling even a little less powerless is a good start.
NOTE: See comment & response below for more on this topic.
More posts to help:
When Emotions Take Over In the Workplace
Emotional Boxes: Stuffing Your Feelings at Work
Reasons You’re Thinking of Leaving Your Job
Fed Up With All the Things My Job Doesn’t Have!
How Changing Your Attitude Can Change Your Job!
The Role of Automatic Behaviors in the Workplace
Workplace Solutions: The Whole vs The Parts
Getting Through a Tough Day at Work (While Staying Sane)
AND IF YOU NEED IT:
Job Search Resource Center
So the plan to not be angry anymore, is to not be angry.
I thought half of the article was cut off…nope…just don’t be angry.
Words to live by…..
Thank you so much for your comment, Tarizer. Your point is well taken. Anger is a feeling that can feed on itself and grow. But as I say in the article, it’s also a very real thing and a sign that something needs to be done if possible.
Either there is something you can do at the job you’re in (and for some people there may also be outside factors that feed the feelings) or it’s time move on to a new job. I’ve had jobs that made me want to climb the walls!! But when I moved on taking what I learned I don’t want again in my next job, I found some really good jobs and people. But admittedly … not every time.
Anger is a legitimate feeling and I am sorry if I seemed to minimize that. I would never intend to leave the impression of “just don’t be angry.” I’d be stupid to advise that of anyone. Me included!! The main idea is that taking action to help yourself — whatever the problem — is the first step to helping yourself feel more empowered and maybe even less angry, as positive action moves you step by step toward something better.
BUT … if the work conditions are horrible or you have a bully boss, for example, those can definitely be reasons to feel anger rise. And to start to look for either a way to fix things for yourself even a little bit where you are (not always possible) or get yourself to a new job. One root of anger is feeling powerless to change things. And so looking for solutions for yourself and putting your energy into that can be a way of helping shift the power balance.
As I said in the article:
“… remember that anger is a sign something is wrong and needs attention. You can only ignore it so long. And the sooner you pay attention, the sooner you can start to find some solutions.
Remember that you always have two choices when it comes to anger:
Hold on to the anger for all it’s worth, wearing it like a bright red coat of armor.
Use that same energy to do something that actually makes things better for you.”
I had a teacher once who called it “dialing down the anger”. It may still always rise up to some degree, but he said the real work is to slowly find ways to turn down the volume inside by using tools like shifting perspective and energy / focus shifts. Hard to explain. But it’s helped me.
But all that said, I want to be clear: Anger should not be shoved down and ignored. There can be legitimate reasons to pay attention to the feeling and respect that it deserves looking at. In some cases — if the job itself is toxic — getting out may be the only way. And hopefully, eventually, once you’ve left the toxic workplace the anger triggered by that place can be packed away with other things no longer needed.
Again, thanks for raising the point, Tarizer. There are many ways a person can deal with anger. But “don’t be angry” is not one of them. I made a few small changes to this post and added links to articles with useful suggestions that I hope will help. And the other posts listed at the end are also there to offer suggestions that are meant to help. But, the short version of it is that step one is always awareness and step two taking positive action either finding ways to improve the job (rather than just feeding or letting anger control you) or go get yourself a new job!
I wish you much luck, Tarizer, finding yourself a job which you actually can enjoy if leaving does turn out to be your best choice. And for some people, there are ways to stay in the job and shift the balance of how much they focus on anger situations vs working on putting energy into things that make them feel more appreciated / comfortable with where they are and, in some cases, who they are.