I once worked with a controlling boss who was ironically known as a saint to the outside world. His smiling, benevolent face was the one everyone saw. Everyone except his employees, who felt abused — but also confused by all the good they were doing and his glowing reputation.
“Carl” ran a non-profit organization helping homeless families. He had a lap-dog Board of Directors that just loved him and would back whatever move he wanted to make. The organization itself had many wonderful programs and helped a lot of people. I have to give him credit for that. It was his determination and passion that made it happen.
But workers are people too
One of the things I find most unforgivable is when bosses – especially non-profit bosses – see their soul-saving mission as a get-out-of-jail-free card to treat workers in any way needed to make their goals come to life. What makes the employees any less deserving of respect and kindness than the clients being helped? Don’t they matter?
In Carl’s case, he had to control every tiny detail of what went on, trusting no one to do things “right” without his help. How could they anyway, since he was the sole judge?
But here’s the worst part. Most of the time when he found mistakes he couldn’t tell staff to their face, so he waited until about 11pm. And that’s when he started writing his notorious killer e-mails, telling staff in no gentle terms what they’d done wrong that day.
Employees lived in dread of getting these poisonous communications from their boss. And, more often than not, these stealthy nighttime attacks happened at least once a week.
The Jekyll & Hyde controlling boss
Miraculously, the next day Carl would come in all smiles, presenting that positive “can do” attitude to his Board members, staff, and clients. But his staff were cringing over the e-mails that were rarely pleasant and rarely made them feel good. About themselves or their work. And these nasty-grams were the first thing that greeted them as they arrived in the morning.
Not that there weren’t the occasions when Carl would call someone into his office to tell them in person just how badly they were doing. That was also usually the day they were fired. Not surprising, the place had a huge turnover rate, aided by Carl’s fire-happy trigger finger. As you can imagine, that left a lot of people afraid of being next.
So he ruled with fear and negative feedback. And with ultimate “controlling boss” power, since the removed-from-reality Board would never believe the complaints of the staff. How could they? Carl was a saint. Look at the good work he did. And how much he got out of his problematic staff. Jekyll and Hyde!
All is not what the outside sees
Most frustrating to the staff was that Carl talked a good game about inclusive management. In fact he used to have weekly open meetings, encouraging staff to share any of their problems or ideas. Of course, they always suspected a trap and therefore almost never spoke about things that really mattered to them. They knew from experience what would happen if they actually mouthed off in public.
But the almost unbelievable thing is he used to send staff to special “awareness/personal growth” classes to help THEM be better people. (These classes were associated with a well known controversial rules-based program that uses thought-shaping techniques.)
And while no one was required to take the class, amazingly anyone who didn’t was later let go for some reason or another. But then again, almost everyone was let go eventually. Again, the Board said nothing and the controlling boss ruled with an iron hand.
So how was this for employees?
Understandably, employees felt oppressed by Carl’s methods. And they spent a lot of their day worrying about what he might do next. All the while, they were providing important services to clients who needed their help. But the toll on the employees themselves was too much. And that included both mental and physical health.
Many bosses, as awful as they are, can be worked with in some way. In most cases, you can learn to manage up. Or find niches of safety, supporting each other while doing the work. You can even learn to let go of some of the things that bug you by changing your own attitude and/or perspective. These are all useful ways of helping make your work life more pleasant – especially when you have a horrible boss.
But with a controlling boss like Carl, you can’t win. The combination of obsessively punishing and absolute control is just a formula for workplace disaster. Sure … goals get met and clients get helped. But at the unforgivable cost of good people who really care. An employee has to preserve their own health and dignity as well as learning to accept some accommodations to a boss’s style.
But this is not just style. It’s abuse and using power to control real live human beings.
How to deal with a controlling boss
There are many bad bosses. And I will include links below for what to do in those cases. But if you work for a boss like this, I suggest you do your best to get out ASAP. The longer you take it, the less you’ll trust in your own ability. And the more stressed you’ll feel!
After a while, your health and mental well-being will show signs of sustained abuse. You’ll feel beaten down. And it often gets harder and harder to see yourself capable of getting work elsewhere. Even though you have lots to offer a different employer. A lot of Carl’s staff reached this point.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, please know that no matter how good you feel about the work you’re doing, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS. It might take some time to find that next job, but don’t let that stop you. You’ll be a LOT happier.
Best yet try to avoid them altogether!
Try to avoid working for someone like Carl in the first place. Mission-driven zealots can sometimes fall into this trap to some extent or another. Although luckily there are many good ones — and not too many that take it to the extremes Carl did.
Just know the controlling boss type is out there. So be cautiously aware of wolves in saint’s clothing. If possible, do your homework and find out what it’s really like to work for the person. And if you do get a funny feeling during the interview process or from what you find out, run don’t walk in the other direction!
About the author…
Ronnie Ann, founder of Work To the Wise and Work Coach Cafe, bases her real-world advice on her many years as an organizational consultant where she helped interview and hire people, added to a certificate from NYU in Career Planning & Development, as well as her many adventures as a serial job seeker.
Some posts to help
Worried My Boss Wants to Fire Me
When Your Boss Yells At You
How To Deal With a Bully Boss
What If Your Boss Asks You To Lie For Him?
Why It’s So Easy To Get Mad at Your Boss
Why Is HR So Useless When You’re Being Bullied?
My Boss Doesn’t Respect Me No Matter What I Do
Boss Doesn’t Communicate with Staff
Boss Won’t Let Me Transfer To a Different Department
Are You Afraid To Talk To Your Boss?
15 Mistakes Inexperienced Managers Make
Why Won’t My Boss Retire Already!
⇒ EXTRA: Boss Treats You Badly? It’s Not Your Fault!
Uch! That’s an uncomfortably non-helpful comment from a boss. She not only sounds controlling but also passive aggressive.
Sometimes, in a situation like this, it pays to sit with her in private and respectfully discuss what’s going on – and even ask for her help and guidance. The controllinator wants to be right, so you’ll never get anywhere unless you let her take charge of helping you “improve”. And together you set concrete goals that you can later show her you’re meeting. That gives her some ownership of your progress and maybe gets her to see you in a different light.
Not that this would work for sure – but in some cases it does help. If this doesn’t work, I wish you much luck in finding a better job as soon as you are able!
I was told on Friday in a one-on-one meeting that I have no self esteem. My controllinator has spent the last 7 months belitteling any knowledge that I bring to the table in a very aggressive way. She blocks my sales efforts and only speaks to me nicely when there is someone to witness her behavior so I can’t prove her obvious dislike for me. After her aggressive behavior she has made comments like “I thought we were all adults” and “you have no self-esteem”.
What a nightmare!
Thank you sand1 for sharing your story. Helps people feel better to know they aren’t alone and that there can be a happy ending to a horrible situation like the one you went through. Sorry you even had to experience that, but SO glad it turned out well!
I worked for one of these people and like everyone who ever worked there, I was ultimately fired. I told the group of managers — he didn’t have the guts to fire people by himself — how relieved and happy I was to have an excuse to leave a place where everybody was scared to death all the time. The managers were shocked as they had expected some kind of crying or drama. I had two little children to support at the time and they knew I needed the job pretty bad. Instead I left whistling. I ended up with another job that was much better. Thanks for reminding me. The people who kiss up and kick down are out there and they are awful.