Mistakes. Failures. Regrets. Try as you may, you can’t undo past mistakes — no matter how much you wish you could. And revisiting each and every regret, putting them under a microscope while wishing you could rewrite the past … well, that doesn’t change things either. Except it does take hold of the present as you let your self-reproach fully own the moment.
All too often people get stuck in the past … kicking themselves for all they did wrong. Or all that went wrong. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had at least something go wrong (not that everyone would admit it), but beating ourselves up for past mistakes is simply wasted energy. Even worse, it keeps us down by reinforcing how incapable and luckless we are.
Why Past Mistakes Take Control
If letting past mistakes run wild in our heads is so essentially useless, why do we do it? The probable answer is that it actually has a purpose. A big one. It stops us. And it helps us feel better about not daring to move ahead — in our careers and in life.
Ways staying stuck in the past serves us:
- Failure is frightening and painful. So our brain has the idea based on “evidence” from our past that staying stuck — not taking chances — will help protect us.
- If we do fail, then we have all those past missteps to look back on and prove that we were right not to even try. Odd as this may seem, they serve as comforting arms for us to fall back into.
- You may have messages from childhood that questioned your ability to take on difficult things or made you feel like you weren’t as capable as other people. Or even your siblings. You can dial up those implanted messages to keep you from stepping out of your comfort zone.
- If you don’t try, you can’t fail. Or so your brain might be telling you. But if you don’t allow yourself to “be all you can be” then isn’t that failure too? Just harder to recognize.
- Believing in yourself is scary. Especially when you’re looking to take on something new you’re being offered or something you always wanted to try. Letting past mistakes override your dreams numbs the call. And that makes it easier to do nothing.
NOTE: If self-belief is an issue, hopefully this post can help — or at least get you started: Permission To Believe In Yourself!
So how do you get unstuck?
A good beginning is to become aware of the mind games (your own) — and what they are doing to you. Although they may be stored in your brain as “truth” they are just experiences along with conclusions you’ve formed. That doesn’t mean they are true NOW. Or even relevant.
Another important step is to make friends with failure. Are you looking at those words and thing “she’s crazy!” A therapist friend of mine once told me that the best way to deal with anxiety is to make friends with it. “Welcome it in,” she said. “When you stop fearing it, it loses its power over you.”
Australian psychiatrist Dr. Claire Weekes had a similar prescription for anxiety. Her four-step method was basically: (1) face it head on; (2) accept that the feeling is real; (3) let yourself float above it, and (4) let time pass. I’ve used that method myself, and after just a bit of practice it has worked wonders.
So why am I talking about anxiety?
Because staying stuck in the past and letting it keep you from growing is in essence an outgrowth of anxiety. And a very real fear of failure. And by learning to become aware when those “chains of the past” grab hold and then just stay present with the feeling — rather than letting it take charge — you can begin to envision and move toward a different future.
Instead of bracing against the pain and sadness of your past — and the potential of unbearable feelings that might come with any future mistakes — you can start to say “what if?” What if I try? What it I dare to welcome failure as a positive move forward that can bring me a new beginning and not an end?
Countless successful people stand on their many failures. The only difference is that they took failure as a necessary step to achieve their dreams. Were they scared at times? Anxious even? Of course they were. But they believed enough in themselves to shake it off, learn from it, and move forward.
SECRET TIP: Well, maybe not quite so secret. But taking on smaller chunks of whatever it is you want to accomplish will give you small wins. And each win forms a new foundation of a more recent past. That’s what successful people manage to do.
More posts to help
Please Don’t Let Failures Stop You!
Are “Obstacle Illusions” Keeping You From a Better Job?
I Can’t Stop Feeling Like a Failure
Is Job Search Fear Stopping You From Even Looking?
5 Things I Learned About Fear of Success
Daring To Imagine a Different Life!
5 Workplace Fears That Limit Your Success
Career Change Fear: How To Move Past the Fear
Career Goals: Put Small Steps to Work on Big Goals!
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