I recently published an article about the downside of gossiping at work. But that might raise the question “What exactly is the difference between gossip and conversation?” And because there can be a lot of hard feelings as you venture into that downside territory, I think this is a question well worth exploring.
Also, while we’re at it, it’s worth looking at the nature of gossip itself. Is all gossip necessarily bad? Can there be gossip that’s simply fun and harms no one? Or are you just kidding yourself if you think gossip can be harmless.
So what exactly is gossip?
Basically, gossip is talking about the details of other peoples’ lives behind their backs. And maybe adding a few things that aren’t for sure real, just to spice things up.
But not everyone agrees that all gossip is bad. Nor where the line is when it comes to the precise difference between gossip and conversation.
Some things we know about gossip:
- Sometimes gossip is intentionally meant to harm someone for the gossiper’s own purpose.
- Or it’s discussing another person’s faults and missteps (often with some Schadenfreude), even if you’re not actually looking to hurt them.
- Either way, you’re digging into the details of someone else’s life and making it your business.
- It also can be used to try to make the gossiper feel important or get an advantage of some kind.
- Even if no harm is meant, gossip can turn rumors into facts — and that can wind up hurting people.
- Gossipers don’t always realize they’re gossiping. “It’s just conversation.”
- And, let’s be honest, gossip can also be fun. And sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in it, especially with colleagues you like.
- But gossip can also come back to bite you. So at least be keep the bigger picture in mind.
⇒ How Gossip at Work Can Hurt You!
Difference between gossip & conversation
I’m not sure everyone’s line is the same. In fact, I’m pretty sure it isn’t. But for me, it might come down to two parts:
- The question of purpose or intention. Some say it’s not gossip if there’s a useful purpose to talking about someone, even if “behind their back.”
- Are you really digging into the details, or just sharing something you heard — clearly said that way — to further the conversation.
Then again, isn’t it ok just to talk about people with no special purpose in mind? We certainly don’t want to be constantly looking over our shoulders for the gossip police.
Example of conversation (not gossip)
Mary: It looks like Steve is getting the promotion I wanted. But I did more than he did on the last two projects. And everyone told me I saved the day when I found that mistake before we made the Watkins presentation. Why doesn’t our boss recognize my work?
Diane: Oh, I’m sorry, Mary. Is Steve’s promotion for sure?? If so, maybe it’s because Steve has been here longer. And I think he’s had more experience in the specific areas the new position requires.
Still, if I were you I’d talk to the boss and ask her. Maybe you still have a chance. At least this way you’ll know what she expects for the next time.
And now same example as gossip
Mary: I just heard that Steve is getting MY promotion. I don’t get it. Everyone knows he’s lazy and cuts corners. And I think it was Steve who made the mistake on the Watkins presentation — the one I found and saved his butt.
Diane: Did he really? That’s so unfair. You deserve the job. And I’ve heard that Steve once asked the boss out. Who know what’s going on there!!
Mary: Wow. I never knew that. You know, I think I’ve seen him roll his eyes when she’s talking in meetings. There must be something there. Or maybe he has something on her.
Wish we knew the real story. I bet that’s why I didn’t get the promotion!
A few more thoughts
Look. When it comes to the difference between gossip and conversation, you’re the only judge of what feels right to you. And sometimes it just feels good to get some things said out loud.
In these two examples, one had a useful purpose: to set up the conversation and provide some information for the point being made. But the other was purely dishing the dirt — and sowing some unproven rumors.
And, although a little gossip can be fun in the moment, getting caught up in all that negative muck doesn’t make you feel better in the long run. It just sits inside, helping feed your less helpful emotions.
⇒ When Emotions Take Over In the Workplace
Just remember that things you say, even in innocence, can go on to have a life of their own. And, innocent or not, your words about someone else can one day come back to bite you in the end!
Please feel free to add your thoughts. Have you ever been hurt by gossip?
More articles you might enjoy
Should I Go Out With My Boss If He Asks Me?
What To Do If Your Boss Takes You For Granted
Pros and Cons of Flirting With a Coworker
Overly Friendly Coworker Wants To Be Friends!
Coworkers Don’t Like Me. What Can I Do?
My Boss Has a Favorite and It’s NOT Me
⇒ EXTRA: Boss Treats You Badly? It’s Not Your Fault!
I recently “vented” to a manager how another coworker was written up for his absences. I thought I was having a conversation with him with a purpose to define-what can be done to avoid these write ups. Next thing I know-I was called in the office with HR and was accused of “ gossiping “ I was stunned because it I thought it was merely a conversation and didn’t even think about it as gossiping. I was basically interrogated why I gossiped and I felt threatened that if I shared with anyone I was called in the office-there will be consequences. Is this legal?
Hi Wen!
I have to say that I was surprised by the way your manager handled this. Especially if you were speaking to them in confidence. And HR’s response also seems quite strong under the circumstances. I can’t help wondering if there’s more to the story related to that employee or something else going on. I’m very sorry this happened to you.
While I am mot a lawyer and therefor not qualified to offer a legal opinion, I can tell you that all 50 states in the US (if that’s where you are) have something called “at-will employment” … meaning they have a right to fire for whatever reason, other than a few exceptions including state and federal constitutional rights exceptions. (Montana is the one state with extra exceptions, I believe.)
Employers also have a right to set policies as they see fit, again as long as not constitutionally discriminatory. So, as I see it, while I do not support the fear-inducing way this was handled, they can offer you warnings if they feel you are violating internal policies / privacies. The fact that they gave a warning — and a clear understanding of their policy on this — seems to at least protect them from being accused of firing you unfairly without warning (though probably legal anyway) should this happen again.
If you can remain there having gone through this (and I do feel it was badly managed) and shake it off, then at least now you know. But yes … unless you fall under one of the exceptions … my understanding is that if this happens again and they do fire you, they are allowed to do so.
If this doesn’t sit well with you, then maybe it’s time to at least start looking for another job. But if you can shake it off and just reset your boundaries armed with this knowledge, then it may be worth seeing how things look going forward. Still, might be worth looking around anyway, just in case. 😉
I wish you all the best whatever you decide. Good luck, Wen!
~ Ronnie Ann
When I am around someone gossiping I change the narrative of the conversation to something else. Pretty soon the person who brought the bone gossip has forgotten they have the bone because I changed the narrative.
Love it! Thanks so much for sharing your idea, Ronda. I hope others try it. Excellent understanding of human nature. 🙂
I respect the norms and agreements. I feel if someone is gossiping about me then theyleaving others alone. I am old enough to let it go and know it’s not that important but for young ones we just need to teach them right from wrong. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
So true about sweating the small stuff, Cindy. I like your attitude. 🙂
Also agree about helping others learn. It’s a real shame when gossip takes on a life of its own and winds up hurting someone’s career. Or worse.
I respect SF’s norm and agreements. Gossip is the path to deterrent our team. If I come across a negative conversation (gossip) I’d suggest to talk possibly then walk away. As an adult, be mindful to others, in that way we will build the team stronger and bring everyone together in every aspects.
Thanks, Lana! I love getting helpful comments. Your thoughts always welcome.
Best of luck!