A friend (I’ll call her Laura) contacted me privately about a problem she was having at work. She told me that her boss doesn’t trust her anymore. And the most upsetting part for her was that she was once one of the first people her boss came to for advice. But not anymore.
She used to love her job. Now she’s getting the cold shoulder from her boss and doesn’t know what to do. And to make things worse, some of her coworkers seem to be joining in on the freeze-out treatment. Should she start looking for a new job or can she still hope to make this work?
Possible reasons a boss doesn’t trust
We humans are an interesting species. And our actions don’t always follow standard logic. How we think. How we behave. And how we respond to others around us rests on a foundation that began being forged on the day we were born. Some psychologists say even earlier.
So Laura’s boss may have been reacting to something Laura did. But there’s also a whole ball of emotional history feeding that reaction. In Laura’s case there was something specific that she did which began the change in their relationship. Although coworkers also “helped” things along by making sure their boss knew. (I’ll get to that slimy story soon.)
There are many reasons you might lose a boss’ trust. Some in your control and perhaps worth examining your own actions. But there are also many situations totally impossible for you to have anticipated — and maybe impossible for you to undo. So much depends on the person / people involved … and what you’re willing to live with on a day-to-day basis.
Just a few examples of why a boss might lose trust:
- Something you said or did makes them look bad.
- You screwed up on an important project.
- They found out you lied to them. Maybe more than once.
- You used to be the person they relied on but your work quality took a deep slide downward.
- They feel you’ve been treating them differently and are starting to doubt your loyalty to them.
- They may have heard you’re looking for a job elsewhere — or in another department.
- You did nothing wrong but they have serious trust issues.
- Someone you work with is setting you up.
- Your boss got the idea you’re threatening their leadership from something you did or said.
- Upper management wants you gone for any number of reasons and your boss knows.
Why Laura’s boss grew cold
In Laura’s situation, there were a few factors at work at the same time. Some of them she admittedly contributed to. And some were out of her control — including her coworkers’ desire to undermine her relationship to the boss who used to turn to them first before she arrived.
Here are key pieces of the puzzle as Laura explained it:
- Two of Laura’s coworkers were jealous of how close she had gotten to their boss, even though they’d been there much longer than her.
- Laura thought they were all friends and supported each other — a real team.
- Laura was concerned about something her boss was doing that could backfire on her. But her boss was set on going ahead with her plan.
- Her boss told her something in confidence.
- One of her (jealous) coworkers made it seem they also knew the secret … and Laura had no reason not to trust them. So she discussed her concerns openly.
- She doesn’t know the whole story, but it got back to her boss from TWO sources (even though she had only spoken with one) that Laura had shared the secret and was “plotting behind her boss’ back.”
And as a result Laura was kicked out of the inner circle she’d been so happy to be part of. Even though her sincere intent was to protect her boss by finding a way to either (1) change her boss’ mind about the plan; or (2) figure out some way to minimize any organizational harm to her boss.
Most frustrating of all, she only learned some of the above after time had passed. She thought she was still part of the team she trusted. And she had no idea why things turned so cold. But she eventually figured it out and was devastated.
Can Laura regain her boss’ trust?
In her case, some of the people involved may not let her get back in her boss’ trust circle no matter what she tries — or how smilingly they offer to help her. Not everyone was a weasel, but at least two were. And she only knew the one name for sure.
One other factor working against her return to “glory” was that her boss was not one to forgive or forget easily. She had deep trust issues and Laura had crossed the line in her mind. Still, slowly Laura has been trying to show her absolute loyalty and willingness to do her job even out of the trust circle.
But can she ever hope to get back to a position where her boss does trust her and is willing to give her another chance? Unless things have gotten unbearable, it’s worth at least trying to repair a relationship that has been broken — for Laura or anyone whose boss doesn’t trust them anymore. Then again …
Should she stay or should she go?
Laura’s plan to prove herself invaluable and trustworthy again could work. But with coworkers happy with her loss of status and with a boss who “never forgets” she will have to give it some time to see if the ice melts.
And if not, she’ll need to decide if working there in the deep freeze — even with some thawing after a while — is worth it to her. When a boss (especially one you respected) doesn’t trust you anymore that can take a huge emotional toll on anyone.
If I were Laura, I’d also start looking for a new opportunity — just in case. Even if she makes peace with the situation, she will always be labeled in her boss’ eyes. And she now knows her coworkers who she once trusted are not her allies.
She just needs to remember that wherever she goes, there may be coworkers with their own ego issues. So it’s smart to keep that in mind when establishing relationships with them as well as with her new boss. That doesn’t mean you can’t trust people you work with. But also think about whose relationships you may be stepping on!
More posts to help
Worried My Boss Wants to Fire Me
How To Deal With a Bully Boss
My Boss Doesn’t Respect Me No Matter What I Do
Boss Won’t Let Me Transfer To a Different Department
What To Do If Your Boss Takes You For Granted
Boss Treats You Badly? It’s Not Your fault!
⇒ EXTRA: Gossiping With Coworkers Can Hurt You!
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