Just a quickie …
It’s not just that we didn’t get something — like a job or a raise or a promotion — that drives us crazy. It’s the wanting. Wanting more. Wanting different.
Then again … wanting also motivates us. Without wanting, would we strive for new things or just accept life as it is and never look for more than we have?
Aah! To find that sweet balance of wanting more, while still peacefully accepting what is. And using that open mind state as a starting point for pursuit of the more. Without letting the “what isn’t” weigh us down.
Now that’s truly zen at work. And quite possibly the key to finding true happiness. Just something to think about. 🙂
About the author…
Ronnie Ann, founder of Work To the Wise and Work Coach Cafe, bases her real-world advice on her many years as an organizational consultant where she helped interview and hire people, added to a certificate from NYU in Career Planning & Development, as well as her many adventures as a serial job seeker.
Hi GRM!
It’s not at all strange for them not to reply. Some of it may be bad manners. But some is about the very careful legal advice companies get about how to communicate with candidates. Often safer and easier not to reply.
I’ve personally gotten replies and not gotten them. And when I was in the interviewer role, I always replied – even just ‘thank you”; but I’ve worked with people who didn’t. And it had nothing to do with whether they were going to call the person back.
So good luck with this job. Hope it comes through.
All that said, I appreciated reading your thoughts. thank you for sharing them with us. One thing really stood out for me:
“A lot of my frustration is beating myself up for mistakes. ”
Oh GRM! More important than any degree is learning not to look back at the past and regret. beating yourself up is wasted effort. In fact, giving up your anger at yourself might free up enough energy to try to finish that degree after all! 😉
By the way…a degree is not everything. I believe Bill Gates, for instance, never finished college. He seems to have done ok. 🙂
But I do know that certain jobs require degrees, especially if you want to move ahead. And if this is still something you want, maybe once you get yourself that job-job, you can try again. Very few of us enjoy the process of working and going to school, but I did it and I assure you I’m basically lazy. I just set my sights on the goal and went one step at a time.
It’s not too late. And some schools even help you by offering credit for life experiences. Maybe you have less credits to make up than you think! And since you don’t live in a big city, maybe the more affordable state colleges have online programs? One first step could be to contact them. (If there is a college near you, that’s also a great place to apply for a job; they often offer free tuition as a benefit!)
And just so you know, to your family you may you have “underachiever” stamped on your forehead and to mine I have “non-traditional maverick”. But a little self-esteem wipes that right off!
Look at yourself for the individual that you are. We need more people who aren’t afraid to look at life differently. I have a feeling you have some truly wonderful qualities. Try focusing on them from this day forward instead of what you haven’t yet achieved. You’ll even interview more confidently if you do that.
You could also set some short term goals for yourself – and maybe a few longer-term ones, and then keep going until you can check each one off the page!
You’ve learned important things from the different path you’ve followed (empathy for others is probably one of them since you recognize it), and now you can take them and apply them to the rest of your life. Don’t look back, GRM. There’s a whole interesting world ahead.
I wish you luck getting the pieces, one after another, to fall into place. They don’t all happen at once. And I know it’s really hard when you’re on your own. But if you start now, you’ll be amazed where you get to a year from now.
All my best! And please feel free to use this as a place to record each step accomplished. We’re rooting for you! And if family doesn’t get you (how many of us are in that situation!), start to bring positive people into your life that will.
Ronnie Ann
Forgot to ask: I sent thank you letters by email to the three people who interviewed me. Each one was uniquely worded. Is it normal to not get a reply, even a thank you? I suppose if I had sent letters through the mail I would not get a reply. I’m just wondering if anyone has ever received an email reply in this regard.
Ronnie Ann, thanks for the reply. You said many good things. To address this that you said:
*Then again, sometimes a good compromise can be to take a regular old job and make the most we can of it – and use our spare time to throw ourselves into our real dreams.*
This is a good point, and it’s one I told myself for years. (My last job was a little more than 8 years, so I haven’t been a job-hopper.) A higher-up once said to me, “A job is so you can do other things in your life.” I don’t think he was particularly enthused with his job either, but accepted it (though he made much better pay) .
A lot of my frustration is beating myself up for mistakes. For one, I moved and didn’t finish college (I had three semesters to go and I had good grades). That was a dumb move; so many better paying jobs require a degree, regardless of what the degree is, and they won’t budge on that. In all my years at my job-job I could have at least taken one course a semester and be done with that. Tried it once, but it was hard to finagle the times and my job was often a bit exhausting. I got lazy. I admire people who have the natural energy and motivation to do this.
I can relate to Mark in that it sounds like he’s not sure what he’d *really* like to do. I’ve heard this from many people and when you get to your 40s one often feels that a lot of time has been wasted; you’ve accumulated more stuff to pay for and you just wish you could start over with some set goal in mind. I envy those who know from the get-go, “I want to be a lawyer or nurse or whatever,” and focus on that. I think it’s just each individual’s nature and maybe some *think* too much to the point of a sort of paralysis. As Mark said, some people simply have less ambition. “Successful” is often defined as money and rank, not that someone is simply doing what they like or is good at their job.
Now I’m at a point where money is a concern (to pay my bills), I don’t have a husband to support me while I go to school, and I kick myself for not doing more when I had a decent-paying job-job. I also took a year off and only started applying in March and I’m afraid that people think I haven’t been able to get a job or have been repeatedly turned down. I’m no longer in a big city with lots of job choices. I’ve gotten some surprised reactions for taking a year off.
As far as society and being judged by your job: I think that was an issue with me too. People would ask me what I do and it sounded uninteresting. They probably had a misconception of what I did and it was a low rank. I’d get, “Why aren’t you a manager by now?” (I really didn’t have much of a desire to be one since I enjoyed all the customer contact I had.)I even had a date say once say to me, “I don’t usually date someone without a college degree, but you’re obviously an exception.” Yeah, I read books – geesh. I’ve heard, “I never imagined you working for a _____”. It’s that kind of societal pressure that can make you feel even worse about their job, especially when you have successful parents and many successful relatives/friends. It’s like “underachiever” is stamped on my forehead.
I realize I’m venting. I’m glad you think it took some courage to force myself out of my complaceny – other people think I was just foolish to leave a job without having a new one set up or without some feasible plan. I’ve never had to try very hard to get a job since I stayed in the same industry and they were lower-paying. Now I’m overqualified for those positions and they cannot pay me the same. With the interview last Friday I tried very hard to convey that my skills are transferable, but they have so many candidates. And yes, it’s frustrating to not know WHY you didn’t get a job.
I think your blog is well worth your effort. Your positive attitude and empathy really helps, as well as your experience (and the other comments here too!). When people are down and frustrated about job stuff, objective advice (as opposed to family and friends) can be more meaningful. “Virtue is its own reward.”
Ok, no more babbling. Thanks again. 🙂
Hmmm…they’re going to think I’m paying YOU, Mr. X. Sincerely…thanks!
The funny thing I’ve learned in my life is that there are far more of us than them, but somehow they get to make the rules. Especially if we let them. 😉
And by the way…those two cents mean more to me than you can know. It’s why I do this.
Thanks again!
Ronnie Ann
I really like what you said about “We are NOT our day jobs”. More often than not, I tend to define myself by my job. In essence, that’s not what I want to be or be known for. All that happens for the most part is being frustrated and taking those frustrations home and wreaking havoc at home. The job is just that….a job that pays the bills.
Oh and coming from a BIG fan of yours, you do make a big difference in people’s lives with this blog. It’s already part of my early morning routine! That’s my 2 cent contribution….so now your total for the blog is now $6.02. 😛
Hi Mark E.!
I have a big smile on my face. I so understand that gap between head and heart. Especially since society so often makes what you do for a living more important than who you are as a person. Whereas I only care about who you are as a person – although I certainly want you to be happy as possible in whatever work you do.
Constant happiness is a myth…plus it would be so boring. But as we get older, the idea of finding peace with who we are is a huge release. I’m still working on it 🙂 but it does get easier.
I have a friend who has held a fairly boring back-office finance job for many many years. He’s appreciated in his job and has come to really like the people, but what helps make him happy is that in his spare time over the years, he’s taken his dream of producing theater and slowly made it into a reality.
We are NOT our day jobs. In fact, some of us who take less traditional paths actually get to be ourselves day and night. Not true for everyone trying to live up to some image – no matter how in tune with themselves they may look to the outside world.
Forty is a GREAT time! It’s the beginning of freedom from all that other stuff. A time to think about what you really want. So tell me, Mark E…is there something you’d love to take on that you haven’t yet? A book? A new invention? A trip? A small business on the side. A new language? Travel? Coaching? 😉
For some of us, there is no one ideal job. For anyone who has been temping so long, consulting could be a way to go. Is there any particular skill you might be willing to specialize in? I found niches in business process improvement, project management, and user documentation as well as all the other things I did. If you have good office skills… non-profits can use a really good office manager. And there are even office-process consultants. Then again, once you’re full-filling yourself with something you truly love in your spare time, a pleasant-enough “job job” like the one my friend has may work for you after all.
Hope that was all ok to suggest. I know you’ve been thinking about all this for ages. I was there and can relate. My best advice is to let yourself continue to explore things you love. The job connection may come later. Here’s something from another blog of mine (now closed) I think may offer some inspiration: Fatima the Spinner: Today Is Just a Thread in Our Tapestry
Whatever it is, I wish you all the best! And btw…you made me happy by letting me know this blog helps. Most of my family and friends can’t understand why I do this – to them it seems so strange since I don’t make money from it (well…about $6 so far). But to me…the real joy comes from knowing I help. Even if just a little. Corny? Yes. But true.
Ronnie Ann
First- great, great blog. I’ve been a tad down lately, and this has helped.
I totally agree that a balance is needed between wanting… well, frankly, the world on a plate… and simply accepting things as they are. One is “ambition”, the other “laziness” according to our crazy western world, yet I suspect both are too extreme to be good for us.
Take my case: just hit the big four-oh, been temping for literally years (heck, decades all told), well qualified (an MA in philosophy, various other bits of aphabetti spaghetti), and no real idea even now as to any specific job that would be my ideal. And yes, I have found myself quite genuinely obsessing over that to the point of depression (which, yes, I do occasionally suffer from…)
Ridiculous.
Why limit your aims to one specific job? What we should aim for is to be useful to the world around us, and if we can be useful and be stimulated at the same time who cares how we do it? Indeed, why should we care?
Now, if I could just accept that in my heart as well as in my head I’d be a sight happier!
-Mark E.
Oh…and by the way GRM…I’ve had some experience myself leaping from one industry to another, and all too often I’ve found the best secret weapon you have may be the skills you’ve acquired over the years. The trick is one of alchemy…how to morph them into the new job you want.
In my own case, so often I wanted to leave “boring old” IT behind and move elsewhere. Yet it was a software product that helped me work for an environmental organization. And it was my knowledge of IT that gave me the opportunity to coach tech workers related to a scary organizational restructure they were going through. And that helped lead me to other such work and this blog.
So I’ve learned that sometimes the very things we look to leave behind, may actually provide the key to the new thing we want.
Just a few more thoughts. 🙂
Hello GRM!
Welcome. Glad you find some comfort and kindred spirits here. 🙂
I can’t begin to tell you how much I connect to what you are saying. I’ve had a lifetime of existential crises about work. Although I actually know real live people who love their jobs (the holy grail), never have I found one job that met all my needs and wants – at least not for long. Although I must admit there were moments in many of my jobs that were oh so satisfying.
Mostly, though, I had to find my own peace by consulting where I got to do a lot of different things – something that feeds my spirit. And even with that, I still had to also nourish some of my wants in my spare time. Like this blog for instance. Quite fittingly, the only reason I can relate to so many different people IS because of all the different jobs I’ve held and things I’ve tried.
There were times, though, when I made major changes in my life, I had to take whatever job I could get and trust I could get myself to a better situation. I wrote about some of that here: 20 Simple Tips to Help Move Your Career Ahead.
Sometimes it’s not as much about the job itself, but about changing how you approach it – and how much you participate in finding your own opportunities. I can understand why you worry you’ll just get trapped again, but there is something different. You. I totally applaud the risk you took. It was a giant “I’m not taking it any more” to the universe.
You’ve made some major changes and now you are aware of what didn’t work before. That’s very different. Plus, you’re starting to look for inspiration to help you never return to boring complacency. This is all positive steps toward something new. I hope you give yourself credit for all that. It takes courage.
As for the stage of your career…I’m 55 and just a few months ago gave up a certain type of lucrative consulting work because I was bored with it. The wanting arose once more. And so I stopped. And it’s taken a lot of resolve not to go back to what’s easy for me. But just today a new consulting possibility came my way that’s kind of exciting. We shall see if it works out.
The main thing I want to say is…it’s never too late. Dreams can happen at any time. Sometimes the exact job comes along through volunteer work or networking or just plain luck. Then again, sometimes a good compromise can be to take a regular old job and make the most we can of it – and use our spare time to throw ourselves into our real dreams. There are many ways to find the balance between wanting and acceptance.
I wish you much luck, GRM! Please keep us posted. And thanks for your visits.
Ronnie Ann
I recently found your blog and it’s been a great source of encouragement during my frustrating job hunt. Thank you!
Regarding the “wanting” – I once had a boss, who I had a great relationship with, say to me that it seemed like I was waiting for life to happen. It was as if I gave up on dreams for the future. Although I had a decent job, the conflict between wanting something more or different, and being afraid to leave the security of the job, ultimately made me depressed and frustrated at work. I waited too long to make any changes or do something to expand my opportunities.
Regrettably, I quit my job in a less than graceful manner than I would have liked, but I was afraid I’d never do it otherwise. I took off a year and moved, but now I’m not so sure it was the right decision. My fears about not being able to transfer my skills to a new type of job, especially in this economy, seem to have been right.
But the wanting something different is still there. The thought of settling for a similar job as my prior one seems like a defeat (with less pay too). Maybe my years of experience in one industry IS all I’m capable of doing. I don’t want to accept that though. But you’re right: wanting something motivates us to go for it. The hard part is, is that “wanting” realistic?
Sorry for being verbose here; I think I’be been going through an existential job crisis, and my age makes it all the harder.