Do You Feel Like an Outsider at Work?

Do you ever feel like an outsider at work? If so, you’re not alone. Some people almost always have that feeling — even in jobs they like. And, if we really think about it, many of us have had that feeling other times too. Maybe at home when growing up. Or at school. Or at any number of group events we weren’t part of organizing.

I sure remember those outsider moments. And, as much as we wish it would, adulthood doesn’t magically make those feelings go away. Social groups of all kinds — even online — can trigger old feelings. And make them feel new again. Luckily, there are things that can help.

What makes you feel like an outsider?

When there seems to be an inner circle that you are not part of, all kinds of feelings get activated. It’s normal. Although I’m sure you can add to this list, here are some things that frequently trigger outsider feelings at work:

• Seeing coworkers hanging out together.
• Not knowing what’s going on. (And yet others seem know.)
• You don’t get asked to work on interesting projects.
• Coworkers talk about things they do together after work.
• You don’t feel comfortable even when invited to join — so you often say “no”.
• Your boss doesn’t seem to notice you. (You feel invisible.)
• Everything you say feels wrong. Or at least not appreciated.
• You feel like you could be “lifted out” and it wouldn’t matter.
• You prefer to be left alone. But then you feel even more on the outside looking in.

So when these outsider feelings get activated (triggered), maybe you start watching yourself even more closely. Especially when you are around other people. What you say. What you do. How others seem to react to you. Was that a raised eyebrow?

When this starts happening, you can’t be 100% present. Even if you’re physically right there, your mind is busy processing / reacting to these outsider feelings. And people around you can sense this “distance.” So it gets in the way of connecting, creating a frustrating and potentially self-defeating circle that works to strengthen outsider feelings.

What about introverts? It’s so hard!

Well, if you are an introvert, you probably feel like an outsider much of the time. Please know that I really get that … I’m one of you. Have been for many years, although I’ve also managed a successful career. To this day, I almost never feel comfortable in a large group — unless I know everyone. And even then, it’s still not my preference.

But a friend once taught me that even in a group, it’s about one-on-one connections. And all but a handful of people don’t feel some discomfort in groups. Even with my introvert tendencies, over time I learned how to step forward and show who I am. And I learned to feel much more comfortable with myself wherever I am. I think that’s key to reducing those “outsider looking in” feelings. {But I still work on it!]

Anything we can do to help?

Well, first of all, it’s important not to let our emotions get in the way of who we truly are. And what we can contribute. Once activated, the inner dialogue takes on a life of its own — without anyone doing anything different to help “feel like an outsider” feelings grow!

⇒  Emotional Triggers in the Workplace

⇒  Emotional Boxes: Stuffing Your Feelings at Work

 

But luckily there are things you can do that can help. Not that you’re causing the circumstances, but at least you can try to regain the power by taking action. Even if it takes time, your efforts can help turn things around — or at least make your day a whole lot better.

Some things that can help you feel less on the outside:

• Make it your goal to slowly, one-on-one, build relationships / connections that last.
• When you are with other people, stay out of your racing mind. Just really LISTEN to what they’re saying.
• Find things to agree with when others speak. Look for ways to support their ideas.
• Make it a point to speak with your boss regularly. Let them know things you are interested in / would like to work on / learn.
• Find skills that people need, and learn to be really good at them. Once you’re a “special” resource, more doors open.
• Do kind things. Not to get anything back. Just because it feels good. Of course, as time goes on there may be kindness ripples back at you. Even if you can’t always see them.
• If people are in a small group, don’t just walk over and join unless invited. That can get you an unfriendly reaction. You want to minimize reinforcing outsider feelings.
• But you can slowly, as you build relationships, have your own small conversations with a few people. Focus on what you do have, and what you can create for yourself.
• On that point, look to create more “comfort zones.” People you like. Things you feel good about doing. Projects — especially ones you can suggest for yourself or a small group you pull together.
• If you are invited, go along if you can. Just say yes! And then talk to anyone you are comfortable with. Other times, just listen and smile. And again, find ways to give yourself good moments, not worrying about what’s NOT coming your way.
• Know that the “in group” is often busy watching their backs to stay in. That’s a lot of pressure. If it’s not who you are or what you want, then don’t envy it. Again, create your own “comfort zones.”

What if nothing helps?

And if you’ve done your best and still feel like an outsider — ignored, left out, or purposefully excluded, then this may not be the right place for you. Workplaces have personalities. And some fit us better than others. I’ve experienced that in my own career.

It’s a lot like Goldilocks. While we can’t always find the perfect bed or job, some do feel a lot more like a match. And hopefully, what you’ve learned in this job can help you select a new job that feels much more welcoming. Here’s some help if you’re thinking about a new job:

Job Search & Interview Resource Center

 

More posts to help

How Changing Your Attitude Can Change Your Job!

5 Workplace Fears That Limit Your Success

Are You Always Feeling Angry At Work?

 

I Can’t Stop Feeling Like a Failure

What To Do If Your Boss Takes You For Granted

How To Change Your Job Without Quitting

 

Boss Won’t Let Me Transfer To a Different Department

Are You Afraid To Talk To Your Boss?

Coworkers Don’t Like Me. What Can I Do?

 

And just in case you do need to leave

⇒  How To Quit a Job (Without Hurting Yourself)

 

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